TORONTO, ON—Scientists at the Frito-Lay CERN lab (Doritos Division) announced that they have successfully created the first Envelope Flavored Doritos after several months of failed attempts and setbacks that many thought would endanger the whole program.
"After we created Chutney Seltzer Doritos so easily, we thought we could do this," lead scientist and spokesman, Fred Hansen, said in an interview last week.
But problems with the chip reactor core, and the salt infusion collider created even more obstacles for the already challenging endeavor.
However, after several repairs and test runs, the Flavor Enabling Reactor Matrix Initiator, located deep underground Toronto, was able to produce the long sought after flavor.
When asked why they tried for such difficult one, Hansen said, "When we did Dirt [Flavored Doritos], the matrix was already aligned for something more daring. So, why not?"
And after the recent success of Breast Milk Doritos, and the infamous Anti-Taco Doritos, Hansen felt they had to push the flavor boundaries.
While the first attempts concentrated on the semi-sweet, glue-like substance that many envelopes have for sealing, it became clear that something else was needed.
"That [glue-like sealing flavor] was mostly hooves and Xanthan gum. Piece of cake," Hansen said, alluding to the ease of the successful Piece of Cake Doritos that are still for sale in Sault Ste. Marie, and other boarder cities. But his team wanted to go big.
The challenge, he went on, was the starchy, grainy texture of an actual envelope. U-Line brand, business class was the specific type.
"We kept getting U-Line small mailing box flavor, or the occasional 20 pound cardstock, but that's not what we were after," Hansen said.
According to the official press release issued by Frito Lay (the makers of Doritos), it wasn't until the team decided to try two extremely unconventional and controversial tactics, that they had success.
One, they slowed the collider down by almost 5%.
And two—they didn't add any salt.
When asked what the next flavor would be after so many successes, Hansen grinned and said,
"The big one. Chip Flavored."
